As nothing is so persistent in continually covering the same ground over and over and over again as both the cycles of online discourse and the passions of imminent cuffing season, once again it seems that we are to contend with a rash of discussion on the subject of romantic relationships. (As ever, the psychosis machine insists on repeating patterns like a domesticated cat settling in for the evening.) While I find most things about individuals fascinating, “people” I find enervating en masse— how can one possibly presume to take the whole, if not by way of the particular, the specific? It is endlessly interesting to observe not only what people might tell themselves about their relationships or the getting thereof, but also the events that flicker at the root of these pronouncements, casting them like shadows on the wall. I have already once ventured to wonder on the subject of getting, and in light if this somewhat annoying recent curve the discourse has taken, I wonder: how does one keep a man?
Consistency: Induce him to enter the walk-in freezer, and before doing so, prepare a seat in a manner to create the frozen shape one desires; as the temperature drops, he will repose, and in this position be preserved. (Alternatively, press upon him the merits of ice baths, and on the desired morning replace the ice water with either liquid nitrogen or a mixture of dry ice and ethanol.
Conscientiousness: Encourage him to enter a jar large enough to be sealed; apply the flat lid, ensure airtightness, and proceed according to desired preparation.
Continuity: Dehydrate him thoroughly before packing him tightly with sugar.
Levity: Tie him by his feet, and hang him from a high place until he dessicates; he may then be rolled, shredded, jarred, or any other method one prefers.
Illusion: Prepare your coals and pans; light coals, and bring to temperature. Sprinkle wood chips across coals; consider adding liquid to the pan for additional flavor. Once the coals are ablaze, deposit him and close container; leave lid cracked for smoke to escape.
Independence: Arrange him in an even layer inside container. Seal.
Gratitude: Bring equal parts vinegar and water to a boil. Add sugar, salt, and MSG until dissolved; pour atop him.
Discernment: Seal him in a container. Place him in a dark area, and wait.
Equanimity: First, weigh him; apply three percent of his weight in salt, covering thoroughly and evenly; seal in a vacuum bag, and deposit in the refrigerator for three to five days.