There are many methods of divination, all of them bogus, many of them absurd, a few of them rich with the savor of seeming-true. At the end of another wrung-out day, one’s mind must be disciplined away from the temptation of cognitive cheat codes. At heart so many of these essays into prophecy are mirrors, reflecting back one’s own desires; someone who is ready to be convinced may find the future residing in oneself, if one only cares to look. Here are several methods of divination one might attempt:
Wikipediamancy: Open Wikipedia’s Special:Random. Divine thereof.
Sortes TIMITiana: Download the TIMIT Acoustic-Phonetic Continuous Speech Corpus audio file. Drag the slider to a random time in the audio and click Play. Divine thereof.
Retinamancy: Kill an animal with your bare hands, ideally something sacrificial, like a sheep or bull. Remove its eyeballs. Slice the eyeballs in half, and examine the retina. Divine thereof. (In the event the retinal conclusions disagree with one another, the most chaotic probable outcome is the most likely.)
Swoleomancy: Choose two 10lb dumbbells. Perform a circuit of five randomly selected exercises on the same muscle group until failure. At the moment of failure, take note of the color that flashes across your eyes. Select a preworkout powder of this color, take it, and go to sleep. You will dream mightily. Divine thereof.
Iridomancy: Go to the most crowded place you can find. Walk in circles without looking at your trajectory until you collide with someone. Take a picture of their irises. Divine thereof.
Laboromancy: Work for two weeks straight without taking a day off. One may dream on the fourteenth day, or not. Divine thereof.
Sortes PDRiana: Open the PDR at random. Run your finger down the page without looking to select a medicine at random. Take the medicine at the maximum recommended dose for one’s height, weight, and age. Divine thereof.
Sortes brainwormiana: Open Twitter at random. Scroll until you read something that hits a particularly raw, sensitive personal nerve. Follow the emotional spiral, but do not react. Divine thereof.
Sortes Google Mapsiana: Open Google Maps to a random Street View. Go to the place in question. Stand at those coordinates for 24 hours without moving. Divine thereof.