Free, Bad Ideas

Go right ahead

Surrounded by a hive of earnest entrepreneurs, hustling consultants, and keen “tech” people most of the time during most of my days, I can’t help but feel compelled by proximity to make my own contribution to the fickle marketplace of ideas. Here is a list of free, bad ideas. They are yours for the taking:

1. Combination graft carnivorous plants: If it’s possible to graft branches from multiple species of the same fruit into a single tree, why not carnivorous plants? A multi-fanged approach that takes all five types of mechanism (pitcher, snap, sticky, bladder, ciliated one-way) would make for a pest control system that’s as multi-modal as it is attractive.

2. Grow your own penicillin kit: Setting aside the zenith of antibiotic resistance toward which the world is rapidly accelerating, a kit to home grow pure, fresh penicillin, and other antibiotics is the perfect gift for the “trad” homesteader in your life.

3. Copper tube heat circulation vest: For the chronically cold, or just those who hate waste, this close-fitting, attractive singlet comprised of delicate, narrow-gauge copper pipes captures and recirculates body heat. Prototypes are a trifle bulky under garments, yet our roadmap includes features that solve for this pain point.

4. Makeup palette eye dropper: Beloved of Illustrator users (or anyone cursed to use PowerPoint for more than two consecutive hours), this eye dropper tool automatically generates a four-color eyeshadow palette from a user-selected color of the sky. Does not adjust for skin tone.

5. Blood drop mood detector: Not sure how you feel? Using this slim, attractive kit is as easy as pricking your finger with the needle gun, depositing your blood sample into the machine, and reading what you’re feeling on the streamlined UI. Connects to the smartphone for seamless monitoring. Comes with four replacement needles and bandages that change color according to the heat of the finger.

6. Intermittent AI double: The busy corporate manager knows that strategic use of the hours between 7a-9a and 4p-6p are what make or break one’s performance— but these are also the hours most heavily trafficked with emails, emergencies, standups, and general nonsense. Simply turn on the AI body double, and it answers calls, replies to messages and emails, and politely defers all requests on your behalf during these two hours. Only one day of training on your mannerisms and appearance makes for imitation undetectable by manager, colleague, or spouse. Automatic engagement and shutoff.

7. Partner technology proximity light: For the corporate manager totally browbeaten and broken by the biggest boss, a sensor keyed to the partner’s laptop that illuminates a discrete light when the partner gets within two feet of their computer. Expansion pack activates the light when the Partner switches over from Facebook or Instagram to their corporate email client.

8. Tinfoil shampoo: A daily, super-insulating shampoo that coats the scalp in a fine yet protective layer of top-grade tinfoil, insulating one from invasive waves of all varieties.

9. Other People: an eau de parfum with notes of cotton, ink, leather, 1-octen-3-one, and additional ferrous compounds.